Britney Spears Is Getting Her Own Money As A Wedding Present
When Britney Spears went crazy 4 years ago, shaving her head and gaining like 100 pounds, her dad took conservatorship of her nearly $200 million estate to prevent her from spending it all on tattoos, blow, and crocs. For a wedding present for her upcoming nuptials, he is giving her the best gift of all – all of it back. Instead of having to have a judge sign off on her rights to withdraw $43 to go to the grocery, she will be able to go whenever she wants. I remember when I graduated the 6th grade and my dad gave me access to my CD account and even then I felt like I was a little too old to just now be getting it. I imagine her relationship with her father is pretty similar to that of a diabetic to a candy bar. You know the candy bar is really good, but it may also kill you in your sleep.
Heidi Klum and Seal Are Getting Divorce
In something that I’ve thought was a cruel joke all along, the gorgeous and amiable Heidi Klum is divorcing the wretched and evil Seal. Though maintaining a mostly extended happy relationship throughout their 7 year marriage, the two are splitting ways in what I image was a relatively short conversation regarding their mutual attraction. For starters, Klum is gorgeous and Seal looks like he was beaten with golf cleat. Is that mean? I didn’t know stating the obvious made me an asshole. Ok, fine, you win. I’ll keep my opinions to myself from now on.
Joe Paterno Has Died
Just three short months after being fired from the same coaching position which he held for the previous 87 years, and only two months after he was diagnosed with lung cancer, Joe Paterno has died. In what was defined as “complications” to the treatment of his cancer, although was probably due to the cancer itself, Paterno is survived by his wife and son and millions of fans not sure how to react to his legacy. Although in Paterno’s defense many people are saying the same thing about other sports stars like OJ Simpson, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, and Ty Cobb. So yea, things are going to be ok.
Mark Wahlberg Is An Idiot Part 94
Yesterday, an article with The Men’s Journal published its recent interview with Hollywood wunderkind, Mark Wahlberg, and highlighted the comments he made about 9/11. Why would Men’s Journal ask Mark Wahlberg about a subject that has nothing to do with fitness or well-being you might ask? Well, first I’m sure they wanted to hear the philosophical ideologies on third world advancement to Western civilization through fear tactics and secondly, when you ask the same guy who once thought that good vibrations were real sensations, about serious subjects, you will most likely get a soundbite that would make Casey Anthony on Youtube look like a 3 hour long interview with John Lovitz.
In reference to 9/11, Wahlberg said:
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
First of all, when you’re talking about planes and 9/11, using terminology like “it wouldn’t have gone down like that,” is a really poor choice of description, especially when done unintentionally, and secondly, saying “there would have been blood up there in first class,” doesn’t make you sound like a bourgeouis badass, but rather a pretentious douche. I’m sure if Marky Mark was on Flight 93 he would have apprehended the terrorists in between champagne toasts and made sure the flight made it’s arrival time so that the passengers wouldn’t feel bad about making their families wait at the airport. Parking at those things is a bitch!
Site Update
You may have noticed that the site was down yesterday. Was I on board with the anti SOPA/PIPA sentiments along with Google and Wikipedia and went dark, you ask? Damn skippy I was. I’ll be damned if I let the movie industry control what I put on this site. I’ll do with it as I please, so don’t even try to censor me. That being said, sometimes incessant notices to pay things is also important. Welcome Back!!!!
Arguing On The Internet Is Like Running In The Special Olympics…
even if you win, you’re still retarded. Or so that’s how the joke goes, I think. I don’t know, I tend to not pay attention to mean and callous jokes such as this. Either way, apparently Elton John and his husband haven’t heard about this saying because after Madonna won the Golden Globe for best theme song, John’s husband, David Furnish went on his Facebook account and said:
Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it’s narcissism. And her critisism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is.
In his defense, Madonna is a soulless cunt, but I’m securely confident that using asterisk’s in cursing on the internet is gayer than marrying Elton John.
The Golden Globes Are Still On
This year marked the 69th time the Golden Globes were held and this also marks the 69th time that people haven’t really cared about it. Dubbed the homogeneous awards because it involves both film and tv (something the Emmy’s and Oscars also provide, and did so first and are more respected awards because they aren’t fake knock-off awards), the host of the awards seems to notice this fact as well. Hosting for a third time, Ricky Gervais did a hell of a job throwing jabsnot at the celebrities like last year, but at the Hollywood Foreign Press and more directly the network hosting the event, NBC.
“So where was I? Nervous? Don’t be. This isn’t about you. Hello, I’m Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Tonight you get Britain’s biggest comedian, hosting the world’s second biggest awards show on America’s third biggest network. Sorry, is it? Fourth. It’s fourth.
It’s great when people who clearly could less what anyone thinks about them gets on stage with a microphone. You know something is going to happen that ruins someone’s night and you just hope it’s not the person with the microphone in their hand. That’s at least what I tell myself when I do standup. And when I replace “stage” with “girl” and “microphone” with “sex.”
Jayonce Had A Baby
I have never actually heard them called that before, but I really don’t see why not. It sounds way better than Brangelina or TomKat. Wait, are people still doing the meshing of celebrity couple’s names? Ah hell, whatever, they had a kid the other day and managed to shell out $1.3 million so that the hospital would shut down the entire wing where Beyonce was to give birth. I’m not sure if she needed that much space but apparently every black person in LA needed to be there, or so I’m told by someone who works there.
Anyways, the disruption did more than just take all the attention away from the person shoving an 8 pound tethered football out of her slightly dialated vagina, but it also kept some proud fathers from seeing their own newborns in the intensive care unit (ICU) because Hova has some tight security that abides by their own rules. And by own rules, I mean not seeing your kid just after it was born. That shit is wack.
The couple named the kid “Blue Ivy” after one of Jay-z’s popular albums “BluePrint” and shit that makes you itch really bad thus proving that all celebrities are vain assholes who see progeny as an extension of their persona. And that they’re stupid.
Elin Nordegren Doesn’t Need Money
Around a year after settling her divorce with Tiger Woods for around $200 million, Elin Nordegren is leveling a $12 million house to build an even bigger mansion on the grounds. The answer as to why she is doing this appears to be two fold. First, it’s cheaper to level than to renovate, and second, $12 million houses don’t typically need to be renovated and she has a cabinet full of money to burn on things like a safe with no doors, farms in the desert and houses that need to be torn down for no goddamn reason.
Zooey Deschanel’s Lawyer Is An Idiot
Zooey Deschanel is divorcing husband Benjamin Gibbard and while the petition for divorce is typically public knowledge, the financial information is typically not. And by typically, I mean, you would have to be an absolute ass to do that. The paperwork filed indicated that Zooey makes over $95,000 per month and has monthly obligations of $22,500. Expenses listed are:
-$1,000 per month on groceries
-$500 on eating out (Thanks Red Lobster!)
-$800 on utilities
-$2000 on clothes
It also lists her assets:
- She has $1,578,000 in the bank
- An additional $1,645,000 in stocks, bonds, etc.
- Personal property valued at $693,300
Does it make me a pompous ass to be completely unimpressed by this? For someone who is the headlining star for a primetime sitcom on a major television station and who has acted in numerous movies, to only have 3 mil in the bank seems sort of pathetic. I guess I’m just judging that based on Charlie Sheen making $2.5 mil per episode of a shitty sitcom so I figured network execs just handed out money like it was on fire to anyone with two hands. That being said, if this were my lawyer, my list of assets would look more like a breakdown of my baseball card collection and vintage pornographic VHS tapes.
